Your body is art

I was never comfortable with my body.

 My skin isn’t smooth & flawless, my weight goes up, and then it goes down. I gain weight, suddenly lose it, and then regain it. It’s probably due to medications and an inconsistent diet (definitely not healthy), but no matter what I looked like, I always found something to complain about.

I wouldn’t want to leave my house when I was at my heaviest. I didn’t want people to know I looked like THAT.

How could I feel confident in public when I went from 120 lbs to 215?

My problems with my weight started when I was in elementary school. We had just changed into our bathing suits to use the pool for Gym class, and the fire alarm went off. 

We were all led outside, and I was in my bikini with all these other girls I didn’t really talk to. I was a shy kid. I didn’t really know how to make friends. We moved around a lot, and I was always nervous around new people. Constantly afraid of being judged. I didn’t even want to bring the bikini to school because I told myself I didn’t look right in it. 

I felt super awkward outside, with the entire school staring at me. Judging me. It’s not like I was the only one in a bathing suit, but I felt like I was. So when the girls across from me started to point and laugh, it hit my self-esteem pretty hard, especially since it was already lacking in the first place. 

“Look! She’s sucking her stomach in because she’s fat!”

I insisted I wasn’t sucking in, even though I definitely was.

After that day, I can’t even tell you how many kids picked on me because of my weight. I was known as the “fat” girl. I had chubby cheeks and a chubby stomach; I was awkward, shy, and I was easy to pick on, and we all know kids can be mean. That was the beginning of the end of my confidence. I NEVER felt beautiful after that day.

Looking back on that day, I wish someone had told me that my body size didn’t determine my beauty. That Fat is not an adjective.

Everyone has fat; it’s stored in our bodies, just some people have more of it than others. But that doesn’t mean that more fat=less beautiful.

It wasn’t until I started shooting Boudoir that I felt comfortable with my body.

I realized that no matter my body size or the number of scars or acne on my skin, I would never be OK with myself if I didn’t respect myself.

 Through self-portraiture, I could experiment with the different parts of myself that I loved and started focusing on those. Once I began taking more and more photos, I stopped picking myself apart. Not that I wouldn’t notice my “imperfections,” I would still see them; I just didn’t care anymore. They didn’t bother me as much. I began to view my body differently.

My body has returned to being the smaller version of me for the moment, but I’ve accepted that my body WILL change. I could gain some or all the weight back, and my skin could get better with age or worse, and that’s OK. I’ve learned to respect myself more and choose kinder words when talking about my body, especially in front of my kids. I’ve found beauty in parts of me that I didn’t use to find beautiful and love myself more for reasons beyond physical beauty.

I realized that no matter my body size or the number of scars or acne on my skin, I was still worth respecting myself.

I realized that no matter my body size or the number of scars or acne on my skin, I was still worth respecting myself. Through self-portraiture, I could experiment with the different parts of myself that I loved and started focusing on those. Once I began taking more and more photos, I stopped picking myself apart. Not that I wouldn’t notice my “imperfections,” I would still see them; I just didn’t care anymore. They didn’t bother me as much. I began to view my body differently.

My body has returned to being the smaller version of me for the moment, but I’ve accepted that my body WILL change. I could gain some or all the weight back, and my skin could get better with age or worse, and that’s OK. I’ve learned to respect myself more and choose kinder words when talking about my body, especially in front of my kids. I’ve found beauty in parts of me that I didn’t use to find beautiful and love myself more for reasons beyond physical beauty

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